Sometimes there are those moments of life when everything aligns. All gears are clicking, and the light bulb you've been trying to make work 10,000 different ways works. All it took was the smallest tweak, or the simplest read, the most practical step, and VOILA! It clicks on.
That's how I'm feeling right about now.
I feel so overwhelmed by such a huge process to get to the lesson, but more so just the practical and tangible "I can do this" feeling.
I've been feeling recently that when people ask me, "what has your time in Paris taught you so far?" I will be able to look them in the eye and say honestly, "I have no cohesive thoughts on that, ideas, but no way to formulate them into sense. There are so many layers that getting to the root its going to take years." This is what I thought. This is what I've told the two people who have asked. Graciously, they accepted my horrible answer.
All that, was what I expected to say...that was until I opened up Faith is Not A Feeling by Ney Bailey. It's a very self explainable title. My mentor assigned me a few different books to read through, and this was one of them. The first time I opened it, I didn't put it down until 53% of the way through (thanks kindle app). I was so hungry for what she had to say. I've been exhausted from trying to make my faith work on my own. Self-sufficient faith. I've mentioned that problem before on the blog.
It just brought all my thoughts cohesively together, not only that, but the examples she drew from throughout her life where mirrors of what has happened in mine this year. (Can someone say again sanctification on warp speed?? It scares me a little that the Lord is driving home these lessons so soon in my life. I'm thankful, so thankful, because it will allow me to live for him more fully. But, it always comes with a little apprehension of the unknown because "good gracious what in the world do you have planned for me!?" comes into my mind. I know what ever it is it will be abundantly good, but it's scary. Just being honest.)
Anyways, let me put the pieces together. As previously mentioned, multiple times, I came here because it was what I could see as the best path to dig my roots deep into the Lord. To invest my life in his work. That led me in January to meditate deeply on Luke 7: 46-49, having my house built on rock. But, I was missing something from all these lessons and that was the root. I could see the end result, but not the process to get there!
It's so frustrating to see the end and then work backwards. But, hindsight is 20/20, and I see him providing just what I needed. He brought me just to the right point, and then let his word and his people work.
I've told girls for years, and if you would have asked me at the beginning of the year, I would have said, "Yeah, I totally know faith isn't based off of our feelings. Our feelings are fickle, and we can't trust them." Until this year. Oh how I've been guided and destroyed by my feelings. My feelings, not my faith, have ruled my year. I see it. I feel that. Because my feelings are associated with nothing but roots of evil disguised in a harmless way. At the root, my feelings are not those of the fruit of the Spirit. And, I've taken God at his word only when I absolutely couldn't function any more. Not trusting him at the first hint of ill feeling and turning it around.
I missed something when I was reading and meditating on Luke 7:46 "Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them" another translation says, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them" will be like a wise man. How I've desired all year to become like the wise man upon the rock. I've been struggling in the quick sand of feelings versus the reality of faith. I've taken steps out through out the months, but now it's tangible. It's like the Lord clicked the zoom out button on my brain, and I finally see the whole picture.
My root, what I'm learning this year, is to take the Lord at his word. To converse with him using scripture, and to believe it more then anything I feel. To be an active participant, not an innocent by-standered hoping everything turns out the way the Lord promises. But walking in full assurance that He will act in the way he promises and holding him to it.
I'm in awe of how simple this lesson is, yet, how painful, oh how painful to make it here. But, it's become that good pain. Like for me, I like gum pain, like ya know how the orthodontist would tighten your braces, and then pain ensued. Well, right after the horrific pain when you can't do anything involving your mouth then slurp puree things. Well, then comes the good pain (in my opinion), the pain of things moving, the gum pain. I'm there. I'm done with the pain that cripples you to baby status, and I'm in the good pain. The aching pain of healing. (Sorry some of my metaphors are weird, but hopefully you get the point).
Things are moving, and it's worth it. Everything's worth it.
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