On the train again..headed to the French National Staff conference. I'm running child care for six 6-10 year olds...(update: went fine, actually had 7 kids...wednesday was melt down day, but I survived).
But alas, It's sunday. As I woke up at 6:30 to make my 8:50 train, I found a weird feeling churning in my soul. I'm missing church. I'm missing having to wake up, get ready, and start my day in the community. Of course, we have french church, in the evening..But, I miss the community aspect of church. I miss seeing friends, getting some hugs...those things I so quickly took for granted.
These 6 months so far (heading into month 7) have been incredible for my refocusing. Hard. Yes. I know I needed hard, in a weird way. I see the most growth in my life during the hard times. I don't grow well during easy seasons, which sounds horrible, and I want to grow during them. But, it's a fact that in my walk, the Lord knows hard is good for me. So, while I cry and complain during it, back in the depths of my mind, there is an anticipation. I look upon my circumstances, and even if I feel like I just got thrown into the boxing ring, I see him moving (for the specific goal other then general sanctification I don't know). Of course, I'm emotion based. Thus I resolve to yelling, fighting, and being angry with the Lord that I can't grow well during gentle seasons, and that I had to go through ______ situation to learn _____ lesson (fill in the blanks, I've probably gone through it)...
A friend sent me this quote while I was coming back on the train last saturday..
"But his love is the love that wants the very best for us and from us, not the sentimental kind that doesn't want to make a fuss and so refuses to confront the thing that's actually wrong." NT Wright.
The love I have wanted to experience from the Lord is the sentimental kind. I sat there at his feet and begged for the sentimental kind to heal the pain. Instead, He gave me the better kind. The kind that confronts my ugliness and loves it out of me.
He took me out to remind me JUST how much He loves me. He took me out to show me that if all else fades away, his love remains. Funny, isn't there a song on that or something...sheesh...You think I'd learn these lessons way before now...
...I've noticed this thing recently where words are hitting me deeper then ever before. I'm normally a words person, at least I like to think so... But, this is on a whole new level. I'm reading things in scripture that I've read a million times, yet, nuances in the wording stick out blatantly, or songs are so much more impactful. I think it has something to do with the fact that a lot of the time, I'm listening in french to songs, conversations, reading french signs. So, my language has become even more cherished and understood.
What ever it is, everything He's lovingly stripped me of, my language, my comfort, my views of him, my views of myself, my views of church, of friendship...(you name it, it's probably been stripped away)... Has been to lessen the noise of my heart- to purify his voice in my life- to purify me- to purify my view of Him. To make me look at His light to make mine brighter.
How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.They relish and feast on the abundance of Your house; and You cause them to drink of the stream of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light do we see light.
Psalm 36:7-9
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