Thankfulness

I've had my world rocked. Just overall rocked. I've been completely stripped of everything comfortable. Of when finding joy was easy. Stripped to the point of cynical.  Stripped almost too deep.  Nearly ripping my faith right out of me.

 Clinging, white knuckling, onto the anchor.

I've always wanted to be a person who felt God in my emotions. Who felt him moving and growing in me instead of just an intellectual knowledge.  I've prayed to have more emotions. To cry, becuase I knew I needed too.  I knew I was bothered, I knew I was brokenhearted. I couldn't let myself be heartbroken.

 No one told me that would happen here.  No one told me that I would wake up in the mornings, getting into the shower, sobbing.  No one told me that I'd cry.. no sob.. in public places looking like a complete fool, but knowing I had to keep moving forward.

I'm glad no one told me, because if I had fully realized, I wouldn't have come. If everything Cru had briefed me on in Chicago had clicked instead of going over my head. I wouldn't be here.  Hard doesn't begin to accurately depict life right now. And it's not like life isn't good. Fear not, it is good.  It just is what it is. I don't know how else to put it. Hard, uncomfortable, and I keep quoting the bride wars line to people "I don't know, I just cry all the time! It's like a whole new me!" Laughing.  But, deep down there's always truth that makes the humor.

Holding, grasping onto the anchor.

I can see God working though.  I can see that at the end of 7 more months, I'm going to look back and be changed.  Trusting that I'm here for a reason.  Trusting I'm going to be thankful in the end.

I see him in it as well, not just the end result. He blesses me. He is abundant. He has not left me hanging high and dry. I hear "This is good for you Heather, just hold on"  Come to me by Jesus Culture rings in my head in a whole new light.  He also blesses me by the team He's put behind me.

That's you friends.

When I'm at my darkest moment in my head.  When I just can't stand the city any longer.  When I'm just tired of trusting and praying.  He shows up through you. Emails, letters, notes, messages. I am held up.  When I can't seem to lift my weary hands one more inch, You come along side because the Lord leads you too.

Hand-in-hand. Wrapping around. Holding onto the anchor.

This is community.  This is what I'm experiencing, and you are a vital part of my mission here. You are needed. And I am thankful for you. We truly are in this together. I want you to fully realize that I would probably be headed home if it wasn't for your encouragement and the Lord using you in my life. 

I hope you do this for every missionary you know.  If you haven't heard from them recently, please, write to them.

To reiterate.. I am thankful for you. For your faithfulness. For your love of our Father. For your commitment to see me through the year.  For trusting even when I can't trust myself. You encourage and bless me every time you reach out to me.  So, Thank You. from the bottom of my heart.

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,  from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. Eph 4:15-16

 

(PS: I promise I will write a happier post soon!!! Also, post pictures. And send a ministry update :O...IT'S COMING!)